Monday, 22 September 2014

How come we don't know when to give up and when to keep going?


What price are we willing to pay for life? Would we do whatever it takes to prolong it? Should we be allowed to determine when to stop treatment, when we or a relative become seriously ill? 

In the UK, treatment is paid for by the NHS (National Health Service), which means the doctors decide whether to carry on or not. In the US, it is mainly insurance companies who pay (unless you are poor and fulfil certain criteria, in which case the government run & funded Medicaid pay for the treatment). Consequently, the American hospitals are happy to continue treating people, as it is not them, but the insurance companies who pay. This is presumably why the US is the country which spends the most money on end-of-life care. As Louis Theroux points out in LA Stories, that also means the patients have to decide when to stop (within reason. Sometimes the doctors will stop treatment even though the patients want to carry on. However, I do not know whether that only happens to poorer patients). Crucially, though, a doctor is, usually, able to assess a patient's chances of recovery far better than the patient himself, whose judgement is often clouded by hope and ignorance. 

Sometimes, it is the relatives who are unable to let go, as is the case for Francisco, who appears in LA Stories. After his stroke 3 years ago, he has been a vegetable in a hospice bed, unable to do anything other than grimace. He is mainly unconscious, though his sister insists he is improving. Francisco's doctor says, grimly, that these facilities did not exist 20-30 years ago. He also points out that by choosing to spend money on these vegetative patients, rather than letting them die, we are taking money from patients who could benefit more. 

However much we may feel that Francisco's sister is torturing him by keeping him alive, can we blame her? How can anyone ever really decide when to give up on our, or our relative's life? Take the case of 22 year old Langston, who appeared in LA Stories, after a drug overdose had led to a traumatic brain injury. On the 4th day of him lying in a coma, the doctor told his family, that in the best case scenario, Langston would be in a persistent vegetative state, wearing a nappy, being fed through tubes, unable to talk or recognise anyone. In other words, at some point, the life support should be switched off (though she never said this directly). This was after a specialist had checked his brain scan.

After 37 days in a coma, Langston woke up and started talking, being fed from a spoon and recognising people. Later on, he started walking again. His doctor quipped that "he didn't read the textbook". Interesting that she doesn't consider the textbook to be wrong. His medical care cost millions of dollars, most of which was paid for by his insurance. Had his family trusted the doctors rather than their instincts, his life support may well have been switched off before he could wake up. 

More worryingly: Had he not had insurance, would his family have been able to afford to keep him alive? Poor patients do get financial help, but what if you are considered able to afford it, by selling everything you own and spending the rest of your life in debt? How long would you choose to keep your relative on a life support machine then?

Sometimes, people avoid treatment for emotional rather than financial reasons. My father Ove was diagnosed with mouth cancer in 1997. After surgery, he had radiotherapy, which involved him wearing a plastic mask, specially constructed to fit his head as tightly as possible. He hated the treatment, but went through with it mainly because he felt that I was too young to lose him (I was 20). He always said that if the cancer returned, he would not seek treatment again. When the cancer did return 4 years later, he made sure I knew nothing about it. Partly because he wanted me to enjoy life and partly, I suspect, because he knew I would try to force him into treatment. The fact that he did not seek medical help has always felt like a rejection of life, of my mother and of me. Though he was looking at alternative treatments, I have no idea whether he had any. Their funds were limited, but surely he could have had something? However, he also seemed to really believe that he would not die as early as he did - he was even planning on opening a photographic studio. 

He was a very proud man who felt that he would rather die a dignified death, than let himself be weakened by medicine or chopped up in an effort to remove a cancerous growth. A year later the cancer appeared to slowly spread to his tongue for the last 6 weeks of his life. Presumably, he could have had his tongue cut off, but he did not. He would definitely not have wanted a life of frenzied note scribbling and making incomprehensible noises rather than the animated conversations he was used to. He spent Easter with my mother, myself and my husband and died at home a few weeks later. Throughout, he had continued living life as he always did. 

My father had always been determined to remain dignified and in control should he ever become ill, but this resolve was probably strengthened by witnessing his father's 2-year battle with cancer in the late 80s. My grand father Johannes was a hard-working farmer with 6 grown-up children, the oldest of whom is wealthy and controlling. Consequently, he was subjected to several different treatments over the course of his 2 year decline, as his children panicked about his impending death. Apart from the conventional cancer treatments, he also tried bitter almonds, which he hated, and lying in some sort of magnetic drum, which probably did nothing at all. The low point came when this elderly Dane who spoke no English, was flown to London to be treated at the Cromwell Hospital. As the most competent English speaker out of the children, my father was commandeered into accompanying him. As he could not stay in London for as long as my grandfather did, he was distressed at having to leave his vulnerable father in a hospital bed, armed only with a series of basic, written signs. At some point after returning to Denmark, my grandfather became bed-ridden and felt impotent as all he wanted to do was work again. "Don't you just want to rip out those big trees?" he asked his incomprehending sons one day, as he looked out at the grounds. They did not share his love of physical labour. Later on, when he finally died at the age of 76, after being weakened and depressed for a couple of years, it should have come as a relief. Instead, his eldest son rushed out to the nurse and asked her to revive him. She politely suggested that this would surely be unfair, and that he should rest in peace now. My uncle, defeated, left it at that.

Speaking of a 29 year old cancer patient, Louis Theroux poignantly says that "His end was probably hastened by his treatment, but he had also died fighting."  Some patients will want to die fighting, despite this affecting their quality of life, whilst others, like my father, choose to maintain their current lifestyle for as long as possible, refusing to sacrifice anything for the sake of possibly living longer and/or being cured. Others, like Lynda Bellingham, choose to stop the treatment when it feels as though it is making their life a misery, staying in hospital when really, they will die anyway and so would rather be at home with their family. However, if the patient rejects treatment, there will often be a question mark in theirs and their loved ones' minds:  Would they have been cured with treatment? Perhaps you can never know what the best option would have been, unless you are cured, of course. People are always happiest when they have control over their life and death, but this control may endanger our life or well-being. When and why do we give up? These are very personal questions - the answers to which, we hope, will not be determined by finances or outside pressure...

Friday, 1 August 2014

How come Blackpool rocks.........sort of?

This week, we were lucky enough to enjoy a family/work trip to, erm, Blackpool. The accommodation was definitely not as posh as we had assumed, however the owner was exceedingly nice, albeit in a slightly aggressive way. The next morning, we went down to the breakfast room where the stencilled wall encouraged us to "Wake up and smell the coffee". Presumably this was an attempt to distract us from the actual smell (mould). The breakfast was actually quite nice though and had some excellent gluten- free options : ) 

Exploring the sea front felt like some sort of fitness test - this place is even windier than Brighton! Luckily, our hair stayed put - just. Venturing into one of the many gambling dens in the town, we were quickly passed by an adult shouting "I need to go toilet", which sort of set the tone really. We soon realised that the whole establishment smelt disconcertingly of sweat and chips (the kind you eat, obviously). 

In Blackpool Tower, we tried out the coffee shop on the 5th floor, which proudly invites customers to "visit us for free". This tells you all you need to know about the level of exploitation elsewhere in the building, which is stacked full of expensive attractions advertised at last year's prices. Seemingly, the gnome heads who work there are incapable of pressing a few buttons to change the scrolling digital display. However, we still bought a family ticket to the circus, as we had heard great things about it and it seemed far better value for money than me clinging to the door frame at the top of the tower, wailing in terror while my family frolick on the glass floor. Even with the potential of watching some 4d film at the top, the circus was still the better choice. This is bearing in mind that I don't even like circuses. However, it was amazing and totally worth the extortionate entrance fee, even if they did take liberties with their Hollywood theme (I am fairly sure the Stormtroopers were never this comely, and they definitely never wore thongs).  Staying with the Star Wars theme, the Skywalkers had us enthralled and terrified as they bravely jumped, skipped with ropes, walked blind-folded and occasionally stumbled (accidentally?) in and, worse, on big spinning wheels on either end of a spinning pylon. Our eldest daughter and I were on the edge of our seats but loved it. 

No seaside town visit is complete without candy floss, so we purchased ours from an dodgy-looking local shop. Rather than being a charmingly old-fashioned-looking small business, this shop's steps were emblazoned with slightly threatening stickers saying things like "We sell fags" and "We sell BB guns". Nothing to be proud of, surely? But definitely in keeping with the local market, which boasted a stall featuring a large toy gun section as well as a stall devoted entirely to smoking accessories. 

We also drove to the nearby town of Fleetwood, as my husband had to work there that afternoon. The town welcomes its visitors by promising that "we always welcome breast feeding". A, ahem, rather leche slogan, if you will excuse the milky pun. Its tourist office had relocated, presumably because there seems to be nothing to do there, other than enjoy the sea view. After flailing around on a windy field with some students for a while, he was free to go and we returned to Blackpool for a lovely evening meal before enjoying a good audio book in the car on the drive home. We should do that more often : ) 


Saturday, 26 July 2014

How come I am so silly?

Perhaps you, like I, imagine yourself to be a perfectly competent adult. Until, that is,  you remember all the silly things you have said and done. To make you feel better, feel free to peruse my personal list of incompetence and pure bad luck:

  • Announcing to a room full of people that George Michael was NOT gay.....the day before he was caught exposing himself to a MALE policeman in a public toilet.

  • Complaining to friends about the audacity of the airline company, which charged passengers for each of their legs - only to realise that the "legs" they were charging for, were in fact different legs of the journey...
 
  • Using the train toilet and watching in horror as the door slid open, revealing a load of fellow travellers staring in at me. That will teach me to assume the electronic door was locked - clearly technology and I don't mix.
 
  • Using a heart monitor to listen to our unborn baby's heartbeat and happily sharing this miracle with the grannies. We later learnt that we had been listening to my artery.
 
  • Repeatedly hitting the parking bollards in our local supermarket, and, once, managing to hit a parked scooter in the same car park - well, it was in a turning space and luckily there was no damage. I notice the scooter is now parked elsewhere!

Nobody is perfect.  If you'd like to share your own imperfections then please feel free to add your comments.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

How come you can never be too thin?

As she strode through the crowded swimming pool changing room, all I could think was how glamorous and slim she looked. Yet despite her being so skinny, she seemingly still managed to have presentable breasts - I found myself hoping that she was the nanny rather than the mother - because this woman made me re-think what a yummy mummy is; meaning I instantly felt about as attractive and cool as a.....well, a not very sexy thing. She also sported an unfeasionably tall pair of white stilettos, which made her look faintly ridiculous. I realised I was quite pleased about this - probably because her looking ridiculous made me feel a bit better. At least I knew how to dress for the occasion (children's swimming lessons). Saying that, when I was at school, my class teacher fell in love with, and married one of the swimming instructors at the pool she took us to, so perhaps this glam mum was hoping to do the same. Still, my husband scored brownie points by confessing that he had been hoping that sparkly, white stiletto woman would get the heel caught in the floor grate. I couldn't help but notice the white ring she was sporting though - why do ordinary (slightly bigger and a lot less glamorous) women never sport such diamond-tastic jewellery? Do lesser goddesses not inspire such bank busting devotion? Saying that, it could just be fake, like her tan. Ah, I feel better now : ) 

But it is sad that we women always compare ourselves to others. I did a bit of research online and found one of those "thin-spiration" websites that you may have heard of. It is a website filled with photos of slim women, meant to inspire you to carry on with your diet. The owner of the site encourages other women to send photos of themselves to her, which she will publish, as long as they are not anorexic. She also emphasises that being healthy is very important. However, despite being a perfectly good size and shape, I still came away from this site feeling kind of rubbish about myself. 

Why? Because all the women looked super slim - think totally flat stomachs and thighs the size of catwalk models (on a fat day - i.e. only impossibly skinny as opposed to dangerously anorexic). I suppose that is a kind of "thin spiration", but not one I need, as I could never look like that without surgery. Much like the Carmen Electra photo I once put up, in order to motivate myself to stop snacking and stick to my exercise plan. Now, if you have never seen this woman, she basically looks like a sexed-up version of a Barbie doll. Therefore, no matter how hard I exercise and regardless of how much food I deny myself, I would only have a body like hers if I sawed about 4 inches off my hips, sucked some fat out of my thighs and put it in my breasts.

Ps: Did you know that 80s Supermodel Cindy Crawford would be classed as a plus-size model, if she was starting out today? Meaning the (UK) size 10 model would be considered slightly fat in the modelling world now. According to Cindy, several of her fellow supermodels were the same size as she was. In other words, our models are getting skinnier and skinnier, as are many celebrities. As these make up many of the role models that girls look to for inspiration, this is a worrying trend. It is like a vicious cycle in which, as consumers get thinner and thinner, models, who need to be even slimmer than mere mortals, have to lose even more weight. And so on....Just to remind you, here is Cindy in her glory days - what a fatty...

Fashiontrendsdaily.com 

Saturday, 24 May 2014

How come I do this to myself?

I have been on very few proper diets in my life. Mainly because I have managed just fine without them, but also because I have sometimes made some simple changes, such as cutting carbs without following specific recipes. For the past 18 months, however, I have not been exercising much, and as I have also been unable to gather up enough willpower to merely skip the carb part of normal meals, I really wanted to start shaping up a bit more again. So, when I spotted a simple-looking 4-week eating plan in a magazine, I went for it. Which is possibly why, one morning, I find myself walking slowly down the stairs, feeling rather pathetic. I need to eat breakfast because I feel ridiculously faint (and, truth be told, faintly ridiculous). Weakly, I manage to make my (admittedly delicious) breakfast smoothie. I am convinced that I have just not eaten enough the day before, as we were possibly not meant to eat our raw courgette with raw garlic pesto on its own, but rather with a side dish. A few hours later that morning, the raw garlic dinner makes a swift, unannounced exit. Suffice it to say I am grateful to be at home when it happens. Is this the reason I felt so weak? Possibly, since I have been okay since.

The next day, I am eating an unauthorised breakfast in a cafe with our youngest daughter. Feeling rebellious, I pour some skimmed milk into my tea. As I tuck into the familiar berry Bircher muesli/yoghurt, it suddenly tastes overly sweet and I feel even more guilty eating that, than I do about the milk in my tea. Clearly, I should have gone for the boring-looking fruit pot instead, but I thought this was vaguely okay, and more filling. The Bircher muesli really does taste far too sweet - have I become sensitised? Surely I don't eat that much sugar normally. Perhaps I am more unhealthy than I realised? Damn you eating plan woman - for hating sugar and making me fear it too. 
Imagine how guilty I feel later that day when I sneak a few licks of coffee cupcake dough. Oh, so evil but oh so good.....

I do love the immediate changes in my body as I seem to miraculously de-bloat after a day but also feel un -realistically slimmer than I can be at this stage. Surely that is psychological? The reason I feel ridiculous, is because this eating plan has managed to make me feel even more paranoid and guilty about what I am eating, than I usually do. And that is saying something. I mean really, why do I feel like a random eating plan, made up by a woman I have never met, should rule my life? I suppose because I can be very determined when I aim for something - in this case, a slimmer version of my current self. The fact that I feel happier in myself when I am slimmer and more toned is rather depressing. Honestly, I would have thought that I would have managed to shake my body shape obsession by now, aged 37. That I could find enough redeeming qualities in myself to enable me to feel happy with who I am - whatever size I may be. I don't think I am alone in feeling like my body is all-important though. The headline introducing the 4 week plan says it all really: "Get back to your fighting weight" - who are we fighting? Ourselves, surely. 

Monday, 12 May 2014

How come Eurovision is so amusing?

I mean that affectionately, by the way, rather than in a sneering way. Luckily, this year's crop of hopefuls was as weird and wonderful as ever: The Ukrainian entry featured a guy in a hamster wheel, manically running around while his female colleague belted out the song - perhaps we could connect his wheel to the mains and sell off the electricity generated. Or, box him up and pass him off as a desk toy for giants.

Belarus, meanwhile, opted for a cheesy man with hedgehog hair and a painted-on moustache, who, along with his equally un-cool backing singers sang about being someone's "cheesecake". Yes really.    

Iceland was very catchy and full of energetic, colourfully dressed men, while Norway had opted for a lovely, but very serious bloke who makes window frames and doors? This was his first experience of singing professionally, and though he had a great voice, his attempt at looking sincere involved squinting. "He looks tired", our 6 year old observed. 

Poland's entry made me regret the fact that the children were still up: The group was dressed in traditional folk costumes, but soon, one of the milkmaids took off her second top, thereby exposing her churn(s). She then proceeded to slowly pump a stick up and down into the bucket, while looking lustily into the camera. Her colleague was doing something similar. So, I guess this is what porny Eurovision looks like. This was obviously an insulting attempt to distract from the fact that the singer sounded like a tortured cat. Luckily, it did not work. While I would say that it is the singing rather than the spectacle of Eurovision that should count at voting time, I do understand that acts want to create a good show. But this is no place to parade bazumbas - of any nationality.

Austria's Conchita Wurst created her own controversy, as she turned out to be not a giant sausage, but rather a bearded man in a dress. In Belarus (the country who voted for the cheesecake song) many disgruntled citizens signed a petition asking for Conchita's performance to be edited out, saying that Eurovision would become a hotbed of sodomy. In Austria itself, a Facebook page, asking for Conchita to be removed, had 38000 likes. Although I did not particularly like the song, Conchita had a fantastic voice and the fact that she won the Eurovision last night is testament to the heart-warming truth that most people, at least most Eurovision viewers, are fairly sane people. 

Speaking of controversies, the Russian twins had a fairly unremarkable song, but stood out because the audience kept booing them, whenever they got high points. As our British commentator Graham Norton pointed out, the poor girls are only 17 and can really not be blamed for any of Russia's political actions. As a Dane, I was embarrassed and could only hope that most of the booing audience were not Danish. 

Being Danish did give me an insight into why the Danish hosts decided to surprise Graham Norton in the box, and why the host jokingly remarked that Norton had made fun of his weird Chinese jokes. You see, the Danes take Eurovision very seriously and really enjoy the spectacle each year. Certainly while I lived in Denmark, the Danish commentator was always respectful of the acts. It came as a big shock to the Danes, therefore, when they hosted the Eurovision in 2001 and British commentator Terry Wogan did his usual routine of making fun of the acts and the hosts. While I do agree that Terry and Graham's comments are funny, I also wonder why the Brits, Terry especially, seem so scathing. Nobody is forcing the Brits to take part, watch it or fly abroad to comment on it. If you can't stand the cheese, get out of the kitsch(en). 


Tuesday, 6 May 2014

How come the North Korean prison camps still exist?

You have probably heard about the North Korean dictatorship regime with its ridiculously strict rules and punishments. Perhaps you already know about the prison camps - a modern day version of the Nazi concentration camps, where citizens are detained for any number of imagined crimes: Imagine rolling a cigarette using newspaper, which happens to bear the dictator's photograph. Or listening to South Korean radio stations. Maybe you own a Bible or you may have just been talking in a public place about your dislike of the regime. Many of the prisoners in these camps have no idea what they have done wrong. In a way, it doesn't matter, because they are unlikely to ever be let out anyway. Even worse, the North Korean regime operates a system of "guilt by association", meaning that if you commit a "crime", your parents and children will be sent to the prison camps too. Can you imagine being sent to a concentration camp - for life - because your grand-dad was considered to be disloyal to the leader or made a mistake at work?

As Amnesty points out, these camps are difficult to imagine because they are so extreme and so we don't like to think about them, because they are so horrific. However, here is a brief outline: Life in the camps is unbearable - torture, forced labour from dawn until night, child abuse, murder, women being forced to kill their babies etc. These inhumane camps have existed for 50 years and hold some 100.000 people, yet the North Korean authorities deny that they exist. Amnesty International has satellite photos proving that they do exist, and encouragingly, Amnesty believes that one prison camp was closed down because of the international attention a previous Amnesty report generated. However, their satellite images suggest that some of the camps are getting bigger.

Outside the prison camps, the regime survives partly by brainwashing it's citizens, partly by banning all outside influences and non-approved media (though slowly the North Koreans are getting glimpses of the internet and other media, such as South Korea dropping leaflets there), partly by encouraging people to report on each other and partly by eliminating people by sending them go the prison camps. Not to mention the starvation levels: Defectors even talk of children rooting through cow dung to find un digested seeds. Also, people cannot move freely out of the country - they have to escape through a mined and heavily guarded area. However, defectors estimate that most citizens now realise that the propaganda about how happy and healthy everybody is, is propaganda.

If you don't want to stand by, what can you do? By donating to Amnesty International, you help their campaign to lobby for pressure to be put on governments, collecting and verifying testimonies, placing newspaper ads and commissioning satellite photographs. Amnesty's evidence was used at the UN Geneva Summit in 2013. Go to https://www.amnesty.org.uk/giving/north-korea-issue. 

You can also join http://northkoreacampaignuk.org/how-you-can-help-3/ and http://www.northkoreanow.org

Thanks for reading this 

Monday, 28 April 2014

How come this is a recipe for blissful indulgence?

Having washed the newly-acquired deodorant marks off my old wedding (guest) dress before being zipped into the thing by my endlessly patient husband, I am ready for a glamorous outing (my friend's 40th birthday). My pleasure at still being able to fit into this ancient dress is somewhat tempered when he, half-anxiously and half admonishingly asks: "Are you in pain?". "No", I breathe, in a slightly strained way- "it is only tight around the top anyway, so it can expand when I eat!". 

Sitting at the station platform, I keep trying to ignore my cleavage. I don't make a habit of showing any part of it to anyone other than my husband and children. Therefore, as I am not really used to seeing my breasts in public, the sight of them, proudly displayed like two apples on a shelf is somewhat distracting and disconcerting. I never did show my boobs, but since having children I am even more reluctant to do so - especially since my eldest daughter once pointed out that they are smaller now, than when they had milk in them. Thanks for that. Still, they look alright when they are all trussed up and pushed out, but even so - thank goodness for my hair, which forms a very useful sort of curtain. Perhaps I should market a fake version, for shy women with short short hair and no sense when it comes to choosing dresses.

Getting off the train and actually walking towards the station exit proves somewhat awkward, as I am not even used to wearing semi teeny tiny heels anymore - not since I re-damaged my knee. Sigh - with these boots and this dress, I do feel glamorous, but I don't feel like me.

Luckily it turns out that I have got the dress code just right for this posh tearoom and by the time I get there I am used to the dress, the boots and the weird little handbag. Sort of. This is good - I no longer feel like a toddler trying on their first proper shoes.

Unfortunately, I feel slightly less sophisticated when I realise how excited I am about the fact that the expensive afternoon tea includes endless refills. Yes! I can eat as much as I want! Still, I stay relatively cool and calm. Until I order the Afternoon tea (finger sandwiches, scones, cakes) and suddenly realise that I am also holding a very comprehensive list of (drinking) teas in my hand. The waitress is waiting patiently while I panic - how the heck am I supposed to know what to order?!I have noticed that the menu states that this tea salon employs tea-ristas (tea experts, I assume), so when the waitress offers her help, I accept gratefully. To be honest, even if a random stranger offered their help at this point, I would accept. She appeals to my inner snob by revealing that, as I asked for a light tea, perhaps I would like the yellow tea, as this is only served in 2 shops in London (presumably this is one of them). Reader, of course I choose that one. It was...well, not amazing, but quite nice. Some sort of apricot blend. Or maybe it was peach - you see - I really don't know much about teas.

Feeling rather full a few hours later, I accompany my friend to the cake trolley (nobody else wanted to, so I foolishly offered to sacrifice myself). The trolley incidentally, is also included in our meal, though whether the re-fills here are endless, I couldn't say. Even if I wasn't stuffed at this point, the fact that we have to walk to the trolley and point to the cake we want is off-putting. After consuming a massive slice of some sort of raspberry sponge-finger monster of a Victoria sponge, I am stuffed. No, actually, make that slightly ill. Add a spoonful of embarrassment at how greedy we have all been. How did we eat so much? More annoyingly, it wasn't actually that much, but the tiny finger sandwiches and the munchkin cakes and scones make everybody look like giant greedy heffalumps as we grab the confections and wolf them down. Plus, eating 12 tiny finger sandwiches makes me feel almost as guilty as if I had consumed 12 gigantic rolls, because my psyche does the maths without taking the size into account.

Still, as I relax in the tiny train seat on the way back home, reading my book and eating some spicy crisps (a far cry from the sophistication of the tearoom), I feel happy and relaxed. What a lovely day : )


Saturday, 19 April 2014

How come women are sluts?

Obviously, I don't mean that - however, the point I am making is entirely serious: Even in the 21st century, women's (and men's) complex sexualities are represented in stereotypically limiting and insulting ways. For instance, some men in Arabic countries believe that the women they see in Western porn really are spontaneously having sex with lots of different men - and that these women have a strong sex drive, because they are un-circumcised. The idea that un-circumcised women are promiscuous, is also used as one of the reasons for carrying out female circumcision. Even in our more liberal society, we are all also guilty of and subject to prejudices. 

Women are still seen by some as either predatory sluts or innocent and corruptible girls - hence why the debate about the 26 year old teacher Kelly Burgess, who had a relationship with her 16/17 year old male student, saw the media reporting that she had caught a sexually transmitted disease from the boy, and her lawyer describing her as young and immature. Have you ever heard a male teacher being described like that after having a relationship with a student?  

Conversely, why are ageing men with young partners described as "sugar daddies" while ageing women with young partners are described as "cougars"? How come we decided that men - who allegedly are the ones with the strong, unstoppable sex drive - age and turn into innocent, affable creatures, while women - who allegedly start out that way - turn into sexual predators? The latter being typified by the stereotype of the rampaging female divorcee, whose married friends suddenly shun her - in case she starts going after their husbands? How come male divorcees are never portrayed or viewed in this way? And have you ever wondered why there is no male equivalent to "slut"?  Gender sexual stereotypes are insulting and demeaning. Not only that - they are limiting people's rights to express themselves in whatever way they damn well want to. Think of the public outcry when Miley Cyrus started wearing revealing clothes and the outraged hyperventilating when she shot a (sometimes) naked video for one of her songs. So what? Is female sexuality really so frightening that we have to condemn and ridicule those women who are publicly confident in their sexual identity? In private, according to a Cosmopolitan magazine survey, men like it when their girlfriends want to have sex. Duh.

While the frankly polarised way the media report on men's and women's sexuality is demeaning to us all, it also perpetuates and demonstrates these stereotypes. Sadly, apart from these ideas being annoying, they are also dangerous.. Take for instance the worrying 2012 Pentagon statistic that while the debate about sexual assaults in the army focus on the female victims, there are more male assault victims (53% of victims were men - mostly assaulted by other men). So, not only do the statistics get ignored when they don't fit our stereotypes, but the assaults also mainly go unreported when the victims are male, because they feel ashamed, embarrassed and scared. This is partly for legal reasons: Most of the interviewed male victims said they had been scared of dismissal, if they had reported any sexual contact with fellow males - even unwanted contact - because openly gay military personnel were banned up until 2011. However, male domestic abuse victims also tend to avoid reporting it due to feeling ashamed and emasculated. This is not to say that women never feel ashamed in those circumstances, but they generally, certainly in the West, still feel like women. 

We are all, to greater and lesser extents, defined by these stereotypes and expectations whether they come from our families, members of our culture or the media generally, so perhaps we could all try to stop seeing stereotypes and start seeing people instead. 





















Sunday, 1 December 2013

How come you need to point that out?!

I was having a lovely, wholesome time with our girls yesterday - painting pottery in a local cafe, when one of the other customers stood up and I noticed his t-shirt for the first time. He was a slightly chubby young man, and his top was a little bit too snug around his belly. Printed on his t-shirt, in huge, easy-to-read letters were the words: "May I recommend the sausage", accompanied by a large cartoon hand, helpfully pointing to his crotch. Until this point, his crotch had obviously not been on my mind, but now, rather distressingly, I found myself wondering what type of sausage he was attempting to advertise, in this mimicking of a waiter in a posh restaurant. Frankly, this was an unwelcome intrusion, and one which left me wondering what type of person feels the need to announce the presence of their genitalia to the world. If he felt that having a penis was newsworthy, then I'm pretty sure I would not want to sit next to him at a dinner party.

His garment tops the list of the typically crude and moronic t-shirts available to men in this country (for the people living outside the UK, I should explain that t-shirts for men are often either completely plain, or attempt to wittily talk about how often they have sex). Perhaps his t-shirt was made for the Japanese market, where birth-rates are worryingly low, and the garment could be viewed as a helpful reminder. Perhaps not. I suspect it was merely meant to be amusing. For me, however, it was just jaw-droppingly embarrassing, and I couldn't help but wonder whether he was even vaguely aware of how childish it made him look.

It does make one think though: How come men's t-shirts are supposed to point out how sexually active they are, while women's t-shirts tend to just be pretty? How many disapproving stares would a woman wearing a crude t-shirt referring to her sexual prowess get? If someone made a t-shirt saying "may I recommend the beef curtains", with a giant hand pointing down, would women rush to buy it? It does fit with the increasing trend of celebrities sharing what I assume are meant to be tantalising glimpses of their genitalia, or the life of their genitalia, with us: From the puzzling series of celebrities leaving their limos while flashing their, erm, lack of knickers, to Jordan (sorry, Katie Price) explaining how she shaves her genitalia ("it's called pulling the bits about"). That might not be exactly what she said, by the way, but my search for her actual words brought up a series of porn sites instead, so I gave up.

You might like to know that today I will be wearing a blank T-shirt and keeping my privates private.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

How come brown isn't just called brown?

We are currently in the exciting process of doing up our new house. Well, my husband and various labourers are. I am stuck babysitting. So, there are advantages to having children after all! However, the stresses of making sure everything looks just right and is done at the right time, is getting to me. Hence why I was lying awake earlier this week worrying about whether we were treating some beams correctly. As if it really matters. Clearly, the domestic (controlling) goddess syndrome strikes again. How can my life be perfect without a perfect house? And God help the child who dares to put their greasy fingers on our (by then) newly painted walls. We opted for the colour "soft stone" in the end. Simply because it was the least poo-like of the many browns we tested. The poo browns were definite no-nos - who would want their bathroom to resemble a toddler's first excited foray into the world of poo painting?

One of the poo browns, rather mystifyingly, was called "baking day". Rather than evoking soothing memories of happy children and perfect cakes, it reminds me of the reality, round ours: A shouting, stressed-out mum begging her children to stop arguing over whose turn it is to stir the dough next, while constantly wiping clean their newly-licked fingers and telling them that no, they can't lick the bowl yet, because it is in fact still full of dough.

God knows what happy associations the manufacturers of "elephant breath", "mole's breath" or "mouse's back" were hoping to invoke? I haven't tried, but since even human beings can have donkey bottom breath in the morning, I am pretty sure elephants must have horrendously awful breath, even at a distance. What about moles? Can you imagine moving in close enough to kiss one - its pointy little teeth at the ready, blind eyes blinking at you? As for "mouse's back" - if I ever spot one of those in the kitchen, I am more likely to whack it with a stick than paint it on the wall.

I guess the manufacturers name the paints, hoping to evoke warm and aspirational feelings in the buyer. How much more comforting though, if they gave them more familiar names. Mine would be: "Vomit on t-shirt" (a vibrant yellow perhaps); "mould round sink" (greeny black) and "crusty old tissue" (a pleasing creamy colour). What would yours be?

Sunday, 10 November 2013

How come they need our help?

"I heard that if you take it off, then it calms the person down. It keeps her calm like - rather than being a supermarket that's open to everybody, it's just, she's cooled down. That's just what everybody's thinking." The young man looked at the camera as he explained his position in "The Cruel Cut" - a documentary shown on Channel 4 earlier this week. He was talking about FGM - Female Genital Mutilation.

This is a cultural ritual, which involves holding down a young girl and doing one of 3 things:

(1) Removing part or all of the clitoris

(2) Removing part or all of the clitoris, as well as the inner labia

(3) Cutting off part of the inner and outer labia, laying them across part of the vaginal opening and stitching up part of the vaginal opening, leaving only a tiny gap. This effectively seals up the vagina. The future husband is then meant to "open" his wife up during sex.

FGM also covers any other damage caused to the genitals by cutting or burning.

All these procedures, by the way, tend to be carried out WITHOUT anaesthetic. "The Cruel Cut" featured Leyla Hussein, a Somali Brit building support for her campaign to stop FGM. As part of this, she showed some people a video of a child having her genitals cut. Although the viewers could not see the video, we could hear her desperate screams. Just imagine that was your child being held down and cut.

FGM causes a series of physical and mental problems, such as pain, bed-wetting, infertility, difficulty in labour, painful sex, depression etc etc. It is done in the belief that the girl will be cleaner and will also remain a virgin until marriage. The cutting is sometimes arranged by grandmothers, behind the mother's back, to ensure someone will want to marry their grand daughter. However, I don't understand how anybody can inflict this terrible pain and lifetime of problems on a child.


Even though this practice has been illegal in the UK since 1985 and the crime carries a maximum sentence of 14 years' imprisonment, there have never been any convictions here. Some communities here pay cutters to come to the UK and some communities abroad actually send girls to the UK to be cut!

In France, they routinely check girls for FGM, which has so far led to over 100 convictions, while Holland has spent 4.2 million euros on FGM education in the past 7 years. The reason the UK is not doing enough to stop this practise is partly because we as a country are too politically correct to challenge other people's cultural practises, and partly because FGM falls under 4 different government departments.

The young Somali men who took part in the documentary, one of whom I quoted in the beginning, were shocked to find out what FGM actually entails. They decided to join the Stop FGM campaign #stopFGM. Will you? Please click on http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/52740 Once you add your name, you will be sent an email link. Please click on this to sign the petition. Thank you




Sunday, 27 October 2013

How come my life has no meaning if there is a God?

Let me make it clear from the outset that I have nothing against religion or religious people in general but some philosophies puzzle and concern me.

If I am only supposed to do whatever God wants me to do, then why bother living? I realise that the idea is that He has a purpose for each of us. However, if I supposedly have no say in this purpose, then I am basically a puppet. Following this traditional view, God is surely an authoritarian parent - his boundaries are too tight.

Authoritarian parenting







http://chriskidd.co.uk/category/childrens-and-youth-work/

As a wise woman said, in a talk I attended the other day: Give your children elastic, not string. Meaning you should gradually give your children more and more freedom. Speaking of string, when you are an authoritarian parent, like God, your children often end up resorting to more and more inventive ways of cheating you, in order to survive, mentally. Take the ridiculous Jewish invention, the eruv. This is when string is attached to various poles outside, creating an artificial enclosure, which some Jews pretend is actually a courtyard extension of their house. That way, they are not breaking God's commandment that they stay inside on Holy days, or at least refrain from carrying certain objects around outside (e.g. keys, medicines, babies). They seem to believe that God will be fooled into thinking that they are still inside. That's alright then. However, if God really was as short-sighted as Mr. Magoo, or as stupid as George W Bush, I would not trust him to peel my carrots, let alone save my soul. 


Jews behaving like sneaky teenagers or some Catholics sinning and automatically repenting, in the way a 4-year old might ("Sorry!", then immediately doing it again), is exactly the kind of off-spring God produces as an authoritarian parent.

In the past few weeks, 2 people have told me that they obey God and listen to God, as opposed to listening to what they themselves want. The first of these people was a woman I had only just met that evening. She was terribly sweet and pretty-looking, but I found her excessively annoying, because everything she said was referring to God. (Example: She talked about having looked at a book about step-parenting at the event we had just attended. Thinking she definitely sounded like she needed some good advice, I innocently enquired: "Did you buy it?" "I was blessed with it", came the reply. Feeling puzzled, I said nothing for a second, but she added, helpfully, "Somebody gave it to me"). She also explained that God has ensured that they are successfully selling off their furniture in preparation for an overseas move (and here I was thinking it was good old-fashioned luck). On the subject of how she and her husband came to sell their house, she explained, earnestly, that at first they had considered just letting it out, because One does not sell One's house without asking God first, but that a buyer was interested as soon as they advertised it for sale. I was dumstruck but nodded politely. Her 2 new step-children are therefore being dragged across the sea to a country they have very little connection to, because God, luckily, is calling her and her new husband to preach His gospel in her small, home-town. How lucky that it is not some hunger-ridden war-zone somewhere. Also, if God is conveniently helping them with absolutely everything, does this mean that He is also busy doing everything for other people? Giving them cancer; making sure they are raped; ensuring a gang kill them etc.?

The second of these people is a friend of mine who explained that she would never encourage her children to follow their hearts - that that is the definition of sin. She would instead encourage them to follow Jesus. My problem with this statement is three-fold really: (1) It feels very sad to teach someone that their own desires are basically evil and cannot be trusted. What would that do to a person's self-esteem? (2) As I said before, what is the point of living, if your only purpose is to fulfil somebody's else's plan for you? (3) How can you possibly know the difference between what is in your heart and what Jesus is telling you to do? Unless you only ever consult the Bible, rather than assuming that God speaks to you through your mind/thoughts.In which case, why do people ever pray for clarity? Perhaps the ones who do are not opposed to following their hearts? Anyway, I am just suspicious when people believe that God is conveniently telling them to do things they wish to do anyway. 

I am not saying that people who live like this are lying deliberately. Rather that they are, probably fooling themselves.

I wanted a snazzy end for this post, but I am afraid God did not bless me with one.  Git ;)

Sunday, 13 October 2013

How come I have seen you naked, Miley?

This was going to be a damning indictment of the state of the world. A world in which young women practically prostitute themselves to achieve as many column inches as possible. I was going to say that actually, Adele managed perfectly well to capture her heartbreak in the (vaguely) similar wrecking-themed video to "Rolling in the deep" without taking her clothes off. I would have added that naturally, although Miley Cyrus is a mightily talented, confident and beautiful young woman, I would not want my daughters to watch her infamous "Wrecking ball" video. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see it here:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=My2FRPA3Gf8

Why would I condemn it? Because Miley, despite her obvious talents, deemed it necessary to appear naked in this video. She also attempts to lick a sledge hammer in a seductive manner. So no, I would really, really not want my daughters to learn that this is a healthy and respectable way to get attention. However, it then occurred to me that I would never have seen Ms Cyrus' "Wrecking ball video" had it not been for the publicity her naked stunt secured.

I like her song. A lot. On its own merit, rather than because she is naked. But her nakedness is what alerted me to its existence. So, her stunt worked. What is the good of sticking to a "no nudity" principle and never making it, never managing to share your talent with anybody other than your friends and family, and being stuck in some job you hate, while you wait for the right manager to come along and discover you? Talented or not, perhaps it is okay to use your body to promote your career? Provided you are happy with the way you do it. Also, Miley manages to conceal all the most important bits anyway, so that she entices without revealing all. As a listener to Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 programme pointed out, if Miley is enjoying her career, is in control of it, and isn't being exploited, why not have her as a role model? She needs something to stand out from all the other singers.

I think that being naked because you choose to be, is perfectly acceptable and brave. Shedding your clothes because somebody else tells you to, or because you hope to make money simply by being naked, with no other talent, is very different. The only problem is, that young consumers may not distinguish between the naked models in videos and the artists who choose to be naked. However, this is not a good enough reason to dictate what is and is not acceptable.


Another Jeremy Vine listener pointed out how important it is to have positive female role-models who are not just famous for flaunting their sexuality. As there is such a prevalence of pornography, it is important to have a role-model who is famous for something non-sexual. That it would be good to have different kinds of female role models promoted in the media. This is all true of course, but if you are trying to get people to notice your singing, it is no good forging a career in politics.

I suspect that there would have been far less of an outcry if a young male star had stripped off. I guess the argument is that men hardly ever strip off (apart from in gay and fitness magazines). But is it okay to say that women cannot choose to strip off as they add to the growing (flesh) mound of desperate hopefuls stripping off in men's magazines? 

Surely the point of equality and emancipation is that women (or men) can do what we like, as long as we don't hurt anyone. Miley Cyrus seems emancipated  not emaciated, so she will hopefully not make women feel that they have to achieve an unrealistic body size in order to feel attractive. What is the point of freedom, if we are only free to do what other people approve of? Miley stands for freedom (from judgement), strength and talent - what's not to like?


So, here's to the beautiful, talented and confident women and men, who choose to pursue their ambitions using everything available to them - good for you and good luck x 






Friday, 4 October 2013

How come I can't count?

So, there I was, getting all worked up about the injustice of it all. Put more accurately, between my house-buying induced stress, my PMT-induced homone levels, my (self-inflicted) lack of sleep and the school issue, I was just about finished.

I spent much of the past week ranting about how unjust it was that my child's reading group were getting one less book per week than some other children in the year, leaving her bored with the same old books. I even sent in my long-suffering husband who chatted to the classroom assistant. She denied that others were reading 2 books a week, which incensed and confused me: Surely she could have admitted it?!

Our daughter (aged 6) picked up on some of our frustration and decided to help (I am obviously not as discreet as I ought to be!). So, she told the teacher that we thought her books should be harder. The teacher responded by writing a moody, patronising note in the communication book, explaining why she should not be reading harder books. Great! 

We then wrote a (very) long, polite, explanatory note, saying that there had been a misunderstanding: She did once read a very easy book, but we were happy with the level of her books generally. We merely wanted everyone to be able to read the same amount of books every week. That would be fair. Also, perhaps our daughter's in the wrong group. I spent the next couple of days dreading the teacher's response - what if she dragged me into the classroom and shouted at me for questioning her methods?

Then today, looking through our child's communication book, a sinking feeling set in: I counted the books the teacher and we had commented on every week. For the past couple of weeks, our daughter had read just as many as (perhaps) everybody else: 3. Oops. Because I had not noticed that the teacher only ever comments on one book per week, I had only been counting those she did comment on.

Having admitted the mistake to my friends, what else do I plan to do? What any responsible adult would do, of course: Tear - out - our - note - in - the - book.........and if it does turn out that the teacher has already read it and just failed to comment? Well, I shall just have to tell her the truth: That, clearly, I am a twonk. Who can't count......

Friday, 20 September 2013

How come I have to bare all in order to be covered?

So there I was, sitting nervously in the bank manager's very public, open-plan, shared office, telling the nice stranger on the phone all about my medical history. "Where was the mole, did you say?", she asked. I ended my reply with an embarrassed laugh, prompting the disembodied voice to giggle. This wasn't exactly the response I needed to put me at ease, but it is better than the cold, professional silence, that sometimes greets me, when I actually try to make people laugh. Still, having to go through every ailment with the insurance lady, in front of the young man, who busied himself and may not have heard anything, was not something I hope to do again any time soon.

I probably won't have to. You see, my husband and I were sorting out our mortgage and also applying for incapacity insurance for it. In other words, should one of us become too ill to work, our mortgage payments will still be covered, and then some. I think. Honestly, I tried to listen, I really did, but it was so boring, that I just could not remember all the details. I was, however, desperately trying to remember all the details of my past ailments, just in case they were relevant to the medical questions they asked me. I don't even think all my answers were needed, but having heard about people whose life-insurance claims are turned down due to them never having told the insurers about some ancient, unrelated illness has made me really paranoid.

If I had ever worried further about finances, it turns out I can always rely on the Post Office. Increasingly, the Post Office workers try to sell me things, when I am just trying to post some letters. The other day, I had finished sending some items, when the cashier asked me whether I would like a Post Office Master Card. "No thanks, my husband has one", I replied, breezily. "We do 0% on balance transfers for 18 months", she persisted. "I have no debt", I said, feeling rather pleased. "Oh, you pay it off every month", she stated with what I thought was a realisation of defeat. Then, having clearly hit upon what she thought was a brilliant comeback, she offered this nugget: "If you ever get separated, and you want to treat yourself, you can get a card."

Separated from what? My common sense?! How kind of the Post Office to encourage me to comfort myself by buying things I can't afford. Losing my life-long partner is bound to feel so much better, if I treat myself to some debt, which I am unable to pay back.Also, in the midst of my emotional hell, would I really be likely to remember the rather desperate sales talk of the Post Office worker and think: "I know, I will get myself a credit card so I can improve my situation by buying some treats for myself."

Still, there we have it. Should I ever get divorced, I may lose my sanity, my health and my happiness. Our children's family will be broken up, my life will fall apart, but hey, at least the Post Office will support me. Terms and conditions apply.....

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Rage against the machine or: How come I can't use it?

Well, I had a load of notes about how annoying I find technology, only I have just managed to delete them all - along with a load of my other blog notes. Wonderful.

I wish we all still had to write letters, or, at a pinch, phone our friends. I honestly hate mobile phones and the grip they seem to have on me, and other people. A few months ago, while sitting in the garden with our youngest, I was, as is unfortunately often the case, sending a text to a friend. Upon finishing I suddenly realised that I now had a hair-clip in my hair. "How did that get there? Did you put it in?", I asked our daughter. Turns out she had, without me even noticing. Oh, the shame.

Unfortunately, I am exceptionally bad at using any mobile phone if it is even slightly modern and complicated. Thus, when we were driving one time, my husband's phone rang. It was his mother. I tried picking it up in time, but failed. The phone rang again. Still his mother. More desperate this time, I tried again. Still no luck. When I tried phoning her back, all I managed to do was send a text (to somebody else) with a pre-typed message in it. So, if you ever phone me and I appear to hang up, or not answer, do not worry. It is nothing personal, I am simply incompetent. Or maybe I just don't like you : 0


The way in which people become so addicted to the feeling of being constantly connected to the wider world, through their phones and laptops, is worrying. Sadly, this often means neglecting the people closest to them. Why do people feel the need to update others on their every move instead of just enjoying their life and spending time with their families? Even worse, it seems to be increasingly socially acceptable to stare at the phone in your hand, rather than actually talking to the friend you are supposedly spending time with. This is still not as bad as speaking at a conference, only to find the live Twitter feed screened behind you, filling up with comments about how boring your speech is. Sounds too rude to be true? Sadly not, this really did happen to someone.



While I am not on Facebook, Twitter or any of the other social networks, and while I do not enjoy being online (yes, really), I do sometimes find myself being addicted to the web. Hence why I am currently spending hour upon hour searching out various fabrics, wallpapers, tiles and accessories for our new house. No wonder my husband seems increasingly to have given up any control of the budget!



Sunday, 8 September 2013

Pets Part 2: How come poodles don't come in pink?

Have you ever wondered why your dog doesn't seem to match your clothes? No, me neither. Though some silly people do treat their pooches as accessories - with potentially dire consequences. Take Camilla the chihuahua, for example. Neil Martin, manager at Bleakholt Animal Sanctuary in Edenfield, told the Lancashire Telegraph in 2011, how this poor dog developed a skin disorder from being carted around in a handbag. Yes really. She was treated as a fashion accessory and dumped when the owners could not be bothered to deal with her allergy. Also, carrying dogs around means they do not learn to socialise properly, which is apparently why Camilla is aggressive.

Rather than, or perhaps as well as, being treated as accessories, of course, some pets are laden with accessories.


pet accessories Well Dressed Pets
Photo taken from http://www.pluspets.net/dressed-pets/

Does this dog look happy to you? Dignified, perhaps? I especially wonder about the glasses, though perhaps they are sunglasses and are supposed to actually be useful. I did use to dress up my own dog, but I was 10 years old and still silly enough to not worry too much about the dog's rights. However, why any adult would want to humiliate and encumber their pet like that is beyond me.

Perhaps if more dogs looked like the vision in pink above, my children would not be anywhere near as scared of them. Which brings me onto the question of why many dog owners feel entitled to impose their slobbering killing machines on the rest of us? A few months ago, for example, a big (ish) black dog was bouncing around happily, near our young daughters, who were excited but scared. The owner cheerfully said (in a posh, Surrey accent) that the dog was harmless, as she "looooves children". Perhaps she forgot to add "as a snack", because as my husband bravely protected the girls against this blood-thirsty creature, the dog playfully nibbled at his hand instead of theirs. Of course, I may be "slightly" exaggerating...
 
Perhaps our daughters would be better off sticking to interacting with pets on a screen like the 7 year old girl who adopted me on the walk home from school. She chatted happily about a dog game she owned which meant I ended up having to persuade her that poodles do not "come in" pink. This was obviously before I saw the pinked-up pooch above.

The girl could have had an interesting and totally fruitless chat with the Argentinian man, who thought he was buying 2 poodles, when really he was buying 2 groomed, white ferrets, pumped up on steroids. He bought them at a local bazaar, which makes the story even more, ahem, bizarre. Why he could not tell the difference is anybody's guess, though the ferrets had been given steroids since birth (see below. The ferret is on the right, in case you were wondering).

http://resources0.news.com.au/images/2013/04/08/1226615/038084-ferrett.jpg

Image credit: http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/home-garden/ferrets-on-steroids-sold-as-poodles/story-fngwib2y-1226615046465

Now, I was going to tell you the true and astonishing story of the Indian man who married a dog, because an astrologer had told him that this would cure his bad leg. I then discovered that this was not the only incident of a man marrying a dog, as superstitious people in India do sometimes arrange marriages to animals in order to lift curses. Another Indian man married a dog in 2007, because he believed that stoning two dogs to death had somehow cursed him (he had been suffering from paralysis and hearing loss since). He believed that marrying a female dog would lift this curse. Sounds dubious to me, but not as bad as the two-year old Indian boy who in 2009 was forced to marry a dog in order to protect himself and his village from wild animals. I - am - speechless. Which never happens. Honestly.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Pets part 1: How come your pet belongs in the wild?

Exotic pets - who would have them? The recent tragic case of the 2 young boys who were killed by a pet shop snake, reminded me of how ridiculous exotic pets are. I realise this snake escaped through an air vent, as opposed to being let out, but still. It was almost always in its vivarium, which is cruel and pointless. Why have a pet which you don't pet or at least allow some fresh air and space? This was a pet shop snake, but clearly the owner thought it unsuitable as a pet, I assume, since he described it as viscous. In that case, he should have passed it on to a sanctuary or zoo that could care for it appropriately. His failure to do so ultimately lead to the boys' deaths.

A 60-year old woman in Australia met an undignified end in 2007, when she was smothered by her pet camel. The creature had been her birthday present 5 month earlier, but she was either smothered to death by it or the attack brought on heart failure. The camel had knocked her down, stomped on her head and then sat on her face. Bizarrely, the cruel creature had previously tried to smother the family's pet goat on several occasions. At least a chihuahua couldn't do that.

Unfortunately, amongst the exotic pet lovers, you will sometimes find the kind of lonely people who decide that these wild animals are really their friends. That they have a special bond, and can enjoy play-fighting with their tigers, for example. Except these are not just slightly chubby, overgrown tabbies. Unless you fancy becoming a tiger titbit, or a snake snack, perhaps leave the exotic pets where they belong - in the wild or, at a push, a safari park. They are wild animals rather than our playthings.

As www.bigcatrescue.org points out, big cats are wired in such a way, that they no longer feel any love towards their mother, once they are fully grown. From then on, should they bump into her in the wild, they will kill her, as she is a territorial rival. The same could happen to the owner of a big cat. Why on earth would you want a pet like that?!

Also, sadly, according to the site, 98% of exotic pets die within the first 2 years (I am assuming they just mean big cats). Reading on, the article reveals the mind-boggling expense ($22.000.00/£14.195.00 in the first year) and hard work of keeping big cats healthy and safely confined, which is presumably why most of them die so young. If you choose to minimise costs and just keep them in your New York flat, like the 180 kg Bengal Tiger which was discovered, and rescued, in 2003, perhaps you deserve to meet a grizzly end.


Petsathome.com offer a freakishly large and cheap selection of reptiles. Why do they, and others, feel that anybody needs to welcome a Poison Dart Frog (£45), a Pink Toe Tarantula (£35) or an Albino Royal Python (£450) into their home? Again, these are wild animals. Admittedly, our daughters have got great pleasure out of interacting with reptiles at children's parties where professional companies bring them out and carefully monitor the animals during the sessions, but nobody really needs to interact with these animals. Let them live where they were meant to. I realise there is a conservation argument, but it is better to support the charities working to conserve the animals in the wild rather than spending money on the animals as pets.






 

Monday, 5 August 2013

PS: Here's further bumpage

When I wrote yesterday's post about Catherine, The Duchess of Cornwall's apparently very interesting post-natal womb, I forgot to include this article which a good friend of mine told me about a while ago: http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23276432  - essentially, a female photographer who takes pictures of her own and other people's post-natal bodies. While I am happy that women find the ability to feel content in their own skin, and for some these photo sessions really help that process along, I still find it depressing that it is even news-worthy: "Woman has baby and is not ashamed of her resultant body!" Sigh.......

Sunday, 4 August 2013

How come One's bump is so interesting?

So, last week came the moment we have, apparently, all been waiting for with bated breath. The latest heir to the British throne was born. Apart from the admiring and cooing articles, the occasion also caused some controversy. The Duchess of Cambridge walked out of the hospital, about 24 hours after giving birth and happily showed off her baby boy - and her protruding womb. I would not have thought this would be a particularly interesting thing for journalists to devote column inches to - after all, why should the Duchess, or Catherine, make any attempt to conceal her perfectly natural shape - even a royal cannot fight nature and if a womb has very recently contained a baby, a placenta and a large amount of water, it is bound to still be large.

But, I was shocked to learn 2 things: (1) Various people and groups around the world, such as Siobhan Freegard, who co-founded Netmums, found it necessary to praise Catherine for not hiding her post-natal bump, saying that her actions made a lot of new mums feel more confident, as many celebrity mothers hide their stomachs until they have dieted severely. In Denmark, sociologist Emilia van Hauen also cheered as she pointed out that seeing Catherine showing off her baby curves freed mothers from unrealistic expectations of regaining a flat stomach 2 days after the birth. Elsewhere in Denmark, some cleverclogs pointed out that Danish princesses tend to hide their post-natal stomachs with tight bands and by covering up the stomachs. How depressing.
(2) While researching this, I also found an article on a Danish fitness-magazine site, which kindly explained that women's stomachs return to normal (ie. a flat state) 6 - 8 weeks after the birth, but that for some, it never does, unless one carries out certain exercises. How helpful - I guess the several months, nigh on years it took my friends and I was just an anomaly then!
(Clearly not) OK! magazine published a front cover discussing Catherine's post-birth exercise regime. I tried to find the magazine so I could make a more detailed comment on this, but it was nowhere to be found. However, I did discover that in a later edition, the magazine featured a general article about post-natal health. In this, they happily stated that "It will take some weeks to regain your pre-pregnancy shape". These kind of comments are particularly damaging as they are thrown in amongst more useful diet and fitness advice, thus fooling women into thinking that this is the norm.

The fact that we have to praise a new mum for not hiding the fact that her body has just given birth is disgusting - what kind of society allows the systematic pressurising of its citizens on such a grand scale? This pressure reaches far beyond post-natal women. Mimi Spencer lost 21 pounds when she went on the Intermittent Fasting programme and then wrote a best-selling book about it, along with Dr. Michael Mosley (who wrote and presented a BBC documentary about this and other types of fasting and how they made people healthier). Mimi now feels far more confident and content - she initially lost too much weight but now feels she has reached her ideal. In an article, she reveals that researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin have found out that a woman's weight affects her happiness more than her love life does. In other words, most women would rather be their ideal weight than happy in love.

According to the Channel 4 documentary "Alex Brooker: My Perfect Body", it is estimated that 2 out of 5 women are dieting at any one time. These depressing statistics do not just include women. The programme also revealed that 1/3 of men would give up a year of their life for the perfect body! I can't help but wonder which year - one where they are wearing an adult nappy and drooling at their slightly awkward and bored-looking relatives who only visit them in the care-home out of a sense of duty and a desire to be kept in the inheritance loop? Perhaps the year in which their voice broke, their nose grew alarmingly big and that snooty girl broke their heart by dating their best friend? Sadly, in the UK, 70% of men are ashamed of the way they look. Just think about that - 70%!! Of course, 30% of statistics are made up, so who knows what the real figure is - probably covered up by some serious support underwear....

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

My top dos and don'ts of camping - or How I survived the tent

Do ensure you pack as much food as possible - you never know, maybe you will suddenly be blocked off from all civilization.

Do feel unbearably smug as you set off; safe in the knowledge that you have indeed catered for your family, and you are clearly the only people who have thought of doing anything as wholesome as camping.

Do wipe that smug out-doorsey grin off your face as you realise with some embarrassment, that you have in fact left the towel at home - as well as the bowls. Of course, you won't realise this until you are too far into the Yorkshire Dales to do anything about it - at this point, your mobile has no reception and the local supermarket seems to stock nothing you actually want. Other than weirdly flourescent jam tarts which you allow the kids to buy in a moment of weakness, only to realise that they had paid no attention when you explained in the shop, that they are in fact jam tarts, rather than mince pies, and that they will not last long enough to give them to Father Christmas. We never did see any towels - how the dales folk shower is a mystery. Perhaps they drip-dry.

Do feel oddly satisfied as you decide you can obviously just use your slightly manky linen skirt as a towel - why not? This must be what all those camping enthusiasts refer to as proper, rough camping. Along with the 4 small sponges your husband bought from another nearby supermarket, in lieu of a towel, we will be just fine.


Don't attempt to help too much with putting up the tent - unless you are already a seasoned camper. Just stand well back in a supervisory role, and do as you are told. After a while, you may have picked up enough technical terms to make clever-sounding comments, which will boost your confidence no end.

Don't panic as the realisation slowly dawns on you, that your children are very hyper and you will need to spend time with them in a tiny, enclosed space. When did they become so noisy and how do you switch them off?

Do feel happy and snug as they fall asleep quickly, all crammed into said tiny space.

Do resist the temptation to push a cow down the hill, aiming it at the tent containing the world's loudest man, who is happily reading Trivial Pursuit questions out (very) loud to his fellow holiday makers. At 11 'o' clock at night.

Don't worry about going to the toilet in the middle of the night, putting it off for hours in the sure knowledge that when you do go down there, an axe murderer will be waiting for you. This is pretty unlikely. Though stranger things have happened. 

 Do remember to plan ahead, before venturing down the campsite hill to shower. Otherwise, you may find yourself without clean knickers, or a hair band. Still, you could improvise and use your toddler's filthy leggings to hold your hair up. This, along with the wet linen skirt-cum-towel makes you feel like a total failure as a camper, and an adult. Especially when you have to walk out of the showers and up the hill wearing white linen trousers and, ahem, no knickers. Only then does it occur to you that you could have worn the old, dirty knickers. Still, never mind, at least you held the dirty laundry in front of you protectively.

Don't point and laugh as you show your husband the large cardboard sick-bucket in another family's car. This will make you look very rude. 

Do feel totally, over-the-top excited when you and your family find actual, real-life, proper fossils at Hardraw Force (the largest un-broken waterfall in England).

Don't make a random child panic as you smile at her in a wide-eyed, excited way and offer her a fossil. To her, you look like a crazy stranger proffering a small black rock. She will shake her head in quiet terror.

When you have returned safely home, and you find yourself attempting to relax the next day, do stay calm instead of nearly weeping and begging your children to please stop bickering, while you silently wonder why they are so annoying. Wish you were here?








Sunday, 21 July 2013

How come I fancy a man in uniform?




“Do you wear a uniform, or do you just fancy those who do?” This is the tag-line for Uniformdating.com. So, what kind of uniforms are they talking about? The luminous, oversized and invariably unflattering fleeces of the supermarket staff? A clown's outfit - oversized shoes and a comedy wig? The brown, beige and orange nylon horrors of the local opticians? A giant bear mascot suit? Well, the advert shows a fireman, nurses and the like. Surely joining this site would just be setting yourself up for a massive disappointment – chances are it is either full of the uniform fanciers, or cleaners, traffic wardens and canteen ladies, complete with hair-nets and tabbards.

The point surely isn't that people just fancy people who wear uniforms. It is not the uniform itself, but rather what it represents, that is important. The reason most people suit a certain type of uniform is simply the sense of heroic achievement and power that comes with it. The reason Ann Summers sells nurses' uniforms rather than Homebase ones is because people like pretending that they are in charge, that they have some sort of important power. Not over your purchase of the latest drill-bit, but over your life. These people are here to protect you. If you like being the patient, it is probably because putting your health in somebody else's hands is slightly scary and thrilling.

At the same time, putting someone in a uniform gives them the appearance of somebody who is confident and competent. For those of us who feel insecure and flustered at the best of times, this is definitely a useful quality in a partner. Imagine having your own hero at your fingertips. This is why , at the end of “An Officer and a Gentleman”, Richard Gere walks on in a smart-looking white Navy officer's uniform and literally sweeps Debra Winger off her feet. Had he been wearing an old pair of jeans and a sweaty t-shirt, the scene would have been far less effective. He would just have been a normal person then, rather than the perfect romantic hero that people, especially women, grow up idealising.

While most of us quickly realise that our heroes and heroines do not need to wear uniforms or have obviously heroic jobs, some people would clearly still like to focus their dating attentions on this rather narrow market. I can't help but wonder whether the users of uniformdating.com would be bitterly disappointed if they went out on a date with a “nurse”, only to find the only uniform she owned was a slightly too-small nylon Ann Summer's one. Conversely, who amongst us, who wear uniforms in their job would be happy dating someone who (originally) only liked you for your uniform?

Still, I felt decidedly giddy a couple of years ago when I had to help a young, uniformed fireman give me a DNA sample (by spitting in a tube – very un-sexy). I felt even more awkward because his colleagues were standing near us, making fun of his inability to spit quickly. Clearly, the uniform effect doesn't really die off – even for happily married, otherwise sensible women. On the other hand, I recently encountered a disarmingly handsome pest control guy – and his uniform was definitely not sexy. What it boils down to is the person inside the uniform – whether they are an air stewardess or a mascot monkey in a dress. However, should you happen to have an old, white Naval Officer's uniform lying around, feel free to pass it on to me...


Tuesday, 9 July 2013

How come I wore that?!

Imagine the scene: It is ca. 1988 and, aged 12, I am about to make yet another 80s fashion mistake. I decide that not only are braces a brilliant idea, I really ought to own 2 pairs, because one just wasn't enough. So, I have pale, sickly green ones, and dark purple & black checked ones. As this was the 80s, I obviously don't use them to hold up my trousers. Instead, I cleverly wear them hanging down around my waist - thus ensuring that I either look as though I can't dress myself, or like I have rushed out of the toilet, or perhaps I just look like a fashion victim. I am not sure which is worse.

Fast forward a few years to 1992, and I am on a class trip to Greece. Slightly self-consciously, I don my new leggings for the first time. They look magnificent, but can I carry off red, orange, yellow, green and pink vertical stripes? My friend and I walk down the hotel corridor to another room, and knock. The girl answering the door takes one wide-eyed, shocked look at me, before exclaiming "Oh my God!" with a broad smile. I never wore the damn things again.

It is 1998, I am 22, and for the past few years, I have tried to look sexy. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to do that, which means that I am the proud owner of a blue, sparkly, see-through t-shirt and a short black skirt, which I wear when I go clubbing. I imagine this outfit makes me look attractive and fun. Wearing it, I dance in what I hope is a seductive manner. In reality, I look like a demented prostitute, smiling inanely at my boyfriend while dancing awkwardly. Just as well I never tried to make a living from my moves. Quite why he put up with the embarrassment is a mystery. As we have not yet married, he can easily escape. However, he stays put.

It is 2013 and I love my Danish pyjama trousers. When I bought these in 2010, they were the height of fashion there, so I was embarrassed to buy them, but knew that most people in England would not realise that they were so trendy in Denmark. I just don't want to look like a slavish follower of fashion, but I fell in love with this style. And I like to think they suit me. So I feel somewhat deflated when my toddler stops, mid-cry and whimpers: "Mummy, you are still wearing your pyjamas." This wouldn't be so bad, but she is the second person to say that.

A far less flattering pyjama trend is the current fad of onesies for adults. They look comfortable, and perhaps if I wore one, I could more easily get away with some of my more childish behaviour: Looking like an over-sized toddler, who could possibly be mad at me? However, this is one trend that really should have stayed in the bedroom: How do you go to the toilet in them? Do you have to awkwardly hold on to the top half of your outfit as it dangles round your waist, hoping the sleeves don't drag on the urine-stained floor of the public toilet you may find yourself in? Worse, as a friend pointed out, they are impractical for children who need the toilet, as it takes ages to undress. I realised adults must have the same problem: Imagine really needing to pee (in the way you only do when you realise you are finally very close to the toilet). There you are, desperately struggling to get the blasted thing off, getting tangled in it and falling over, hitting your head on the toilet in the process. Fashion victim indeed.

Image credit: http://theonepieceblog.com/2011/05/robbie-williams-loves-his-onesies/

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

How come my toaster loves me?

Perhaps you have never asked yourself that question. I know I haven't. But objectum sexuality (a strong emotional and sometimes sexual desire to have relationships with inanimate objects), is very much a reality for some. Sadly, some objectophiles could never even imagine having people are friends and lovers.  Some also believe that the objects are capable of feelings and desires. Just as well really - if I was in love with my toaster, I would prefer to think the feeling was mutual.

Erika Eiffel is a high-profile objectophile, or object-sexual (OS). For 3 years after meeting the object of her affection, she visited it for weeks at a time, spending her days touching it.  As you can perhaps guess, she took the surname of her partner, when they married: That's right, she is Mrs. Eiffel Tower. Erika has been unfaithful, however - she has been seeing the Berlin Wall behind Eiffel's back. She currently lives next to the remains of the wall - her greatest love. It makes me feel kind of guilty about ignoring the tiny piece of it on our window-sill.

Still, according to Ms Eiffel, objectum sexuals can have relationships with both male and female objects at the same time. I suppose it is easier to have an open relationship with someone who can't complain. So, toaster, I am seeing the spice-rack too! Don't ask me how they sex the objects - your guess is as good as mine.

Erika has set up an OS organisation called OS Internationale. According to their Facebook page - (https://www.facebook.com/OS.Internationale/info) although their community mainly experience mutual love between a person and the object, there are cases of unrequited love. How depressing would that be?! Your garden fence rejecting you. Interestingly, OS internationale claim to be discovering that a large number of objectophiles have Asperger's Syndrome (a condition on the autistic spectrum). As the site points out, perhaps the typical Asperger's difficulties in relating to people, mean that they find it easier to have relationships with objects. Some objectophiles are in relationships with actual people though, so they share their love between both.

A blogger called MD Lynn described how her young Asperger's nephew has 2 objects that he always carries with him to feel safe. She added that most people feel comfort at seeing familiar landmarks when approaching home after a long journey and suggests that objectophiles are merely maginifying those normal feelings.  This seems to make sense, though nobody knows what that process involves.

If you prefer your objects to be more humanoid, perhaps the Real Doll holds more appeal. For a mere £4000, you could be the lucky owner of one of these mamas.

Davecat - who appeared in a programme about them called "Guys and Dolls", lives at home with his parents and is in a relationship with a Real Doll. He states: "I think the thing my father finds really difficult about my relationship with Chichang is the fact that she is not alive, she is not a human being." Confusingly, he enjoys looking at her in the early morning, and feels that she looks back at him. "It is the difference between being alone and lonely" and he rather touchingly adds later, "we are always there for each other".

As seen, Davecat and many other owners become very emotionally attached to the dolls. This makes sense, as the programme suggests they are mainly used by people who have problems connecting with other humans. One 39 year old customer enthusiastically explains that unlike women he has known, the Real Dolls will not let him down or use him. Most doll users do not have girlfriends, but some do.

"Guys & Dolls" also features Everard, who drolly remarks that he and his doll had fun that morning. He checked and yes, she is still sleeping (she has a different face he can put on her when she is awake). Everard can have the last word: "[the dolls] "are very static. They just don't react at all. But if you don't mind that, they are good fun. They are certainly better than going without any female company at all".