Well, they are not, I hope. However, I watched a documentary on Channel 4 a few days ago, called "Confessions of an alien abductee". It was supposedly about a helpline set up to provide support for these victims, but it became a series of mini-portraits of a few of the abductees. One of them, a woman called Chantelle is allegedly the person in Britain who has been abducted the most times (about 1000). She looked very nervous and jumpy - a skinny, beehived, chain smoker, who reminded me most of all of a fragile rabbit - or one of those hairless, shivering dogs.
She found that the abductions often happen when she is enjoying one of her beloved KFC meals with her son. She notices that suddenly too much time has elapsed: "We're eating Kentucky. We've looked at the time. Suddenly 2 - 2.5 hours have passed by." As my husband drily obbserved, perhaps the aliens are trying to teach her to avoid take-aways. Also, unless you relish the idea of an abduction, surely this programme would put you off KFC? Whether you are in a sugar and fat-induced coma or taking part in an alien medical examination, KFC is clearly not a good choice.
According to reports, some aliens appear in people's bedrooms, pull their bedcovers off and abduct them. How rude. Clearly, these supposedly highly evolved beings, who have mastered technology far beyond anything we can imagine, have yet to learn some manners. Perhaps that is why they keep abducting the British and their American cousins. The Brits are a nation of people so polite, that if you step on their toes, they will apologise (the person, not the toes). Maybe the aliens are hoping to pick up a few tips.
But walking into people's bedrooms is not unheard of. I knew of a bloke who lived in Christiania (an independent community of hippies in Copenhagen), who once experienced a couple of tourists bounding into his bedroom, as if they were walking around an outdoor museum. So, here is my thought: Perhaps the aliens think that our planet is a giant theme-park. In which case we should probably start charging - that is certainly one way to beat the recession.
Earth as a theme-park is the only thing that makes any sense to me. Otherwise, surely these aliens aren't as intelligent as they ought to be, if they have mastered technology and mind-reading? Wouldn't they have learnt all there is to learn about our humble species by now? Perhaps they suffer from poor administration skills and constantly lose their notes, or neglect to tell their colleagues, that they have "done" Earth.
Professor John Edward Mack (Harvard Medical School Psychiatrist) had an interesting theory, formed after studying several abductees. At first, he thought they were crazy, but as he studied more and more of them, he found that they were perfectly sane. He concluded that the only psychiatric condition to fit their symptoms was post traumatic stress disorder: He was of the opinion that they really had been abducted, and believed that aliens were carrying out some sort of alien-human breeding programme, as well as warning the abductees that they need to take better care of the planet. Intriguingly, the abductions often left physical traces, such as cuts that would tend to heal quickly. If you want to read more, go to http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2013/05/americans-alien-abduction-science
But perhaps (hopefully) abductees are delusional, in which case this may have been caused by post-traumatic stress from some other event or lifestyle. For example, the documentary featured one multiple victim, who had grown up with an emotionally absent mother. He claimed that an alien had adopted him and that he occassionally had sex with another. The interviewer's suggestion that he had invented the loving alien mother as a coping mechanism was dismissed outright. However, though he is married now, he is totally immersed in his alien experiences, claiming they happen once a month. Oddly enough, his wife isn't too keen on his alien lover.
More tragically, Chantelle, the beehived woman, said that if the aliens stopped abducting her, she would miss them. Like many abductees, she feels that the aliens are almost part of her family, and is torn between their world and ours. When asked which world she prefers, she said "theirs", without missing a beat. She then listed what she would miss from Earth: Her son, cigarettes, KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and the TV. I kid you not. Chantelle, clearly, is not leading a full and happy life. The idea of the alien abduction as a coping mechanism is certainly an interesting and relevant one, and the programme showed the victims talking about their belief that the aliens were looking out for them, keeping them safe.
Still, should you wish to avoid an alien abduction, you could do worse than visiting www.stopabductions.com - a helpful guide to making a "thought-screen helmet". This handy device will not only make you look, ahem, special, it will also stop aliens from reading your mind, or communicating with you using telepathy, meaning they will not want to abduct you. There has only been one hat failure since 1998. Of course, you will have to wear the hat all the time ; 0
Photos are welcome!
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