"I have fat thighs", our eldest daughter Emma, said the other day. Apart from firmly stressing that she absolutely does not, I also showed her photos of anorexic women and men, and explained that these people were so caught up in their body size, that they were ill and sometimes died prematurely. She then saw some photos of Jessica Ennis as an example of a healthy body (to those of you reading this outside the UK, Ennis is a young Olympian Athlete). Finally, she claimed that by "fat", she had merely meant healthy. Hm...We now hope she will take up football again, learning to see her body as a powerful tool, not just a fashion accessory. The reason for us trying so hard to counteract any sense she may have of being fat, is that this is the second time in a few months, she has said this. She is 5 1/2 years old.
Throughout my life, I have struggled to accept my body as it is. In fact, there is nothing wrong with it at all, as I realise when I am in a confident period. I might even say I am slim and toned. A few days later, I may feel bloated and wobbly. Since I first heard Emma complain about her thighs, I have tried to refrain from mentioning my own body issues, and have made sure I eat even more cakes in front of her than usual (it's a tough job....). Clearly though, she may already have taken on board my own dissatisfaction. I used to imagine that when I became an old woman, I would finally allow myself to eat as many pie and chips dinners as I liked. Because clearly, I would no longer care what I looked like. I was therefore somewhat disheartened when I realised that a friend of mine, a lady in her 80s, still cares what her stomach looks like. Oh dear, it is a long road ahead.
But it is not just a child's relatives, who teach them about body image. The media is awash with totally unrealistic retouched images of female and male celebrities (if they are being interviewed) to make them appear unnaturally skinny, toned and blemish-free. Magazines also highlight and laugh at the slightest perceived imperfections, or praise women who have lost the baby weight. While male celebrities do not entirely escape, the focus is overwhelmingly on the women.
Though men are pressurised into these conventional roles too, the roles imposed on women are more damaging as men generally are stronger, more powerful, more prestigious and wealthier. Consequently, women need all the help they can get. But despite this, women are still brought up to believe that they shouldn't show off, be pushy or take what they want. Rather than putting each other down to make ourselves feel good, we need to teach our daughters to believe in themselves, and be whatever kind of woman they want to be. What most girls grow up with nowadays is a depressingly similar and limiting series of role models. Starting with their storybooks, which usually feature men and women in strictly controlled stereotypical gender roles. Though we have a lovely Swedish book, featuring a girl who spends time at home with her dad, while the mum is at work, this is a rare find. While the children featured in books are often able to do whatever they want, the subtle underlying message is that the fathers go to work,while the mums stay at home. Which of course is generally true, especially in Britain, where this pattern is strongly encouraged by employers for whom the idea of a father taking several months paternity leave is still a foreign, Scandinavian concept. This is part of the reason why men generally earn more money than women, but women's reluctance to ask for what they are worth, clearly plays a part too.
Many books also feature ballerinas (99% of these are female), princesses (who normally need rescuing by some random prince), pirates (nearly always male) and space travellers (usually male). So far then, the girls' media role models are passive and dainty.
As they get older, the vast majority of girls in the West, certainly in Britain, the US and Scandinavia start watching Disney films, thus continuing the dainty and often passive pattern. Admittedly, the girls in the Disney films of the past few years have displayed more gusto and strength, but they always have to look feminine, slim and pretty. Worse, while the Disney princesses in the past were dressed fairly demurely, the newcomers are sexier and sultrier in their off-the shoulder dresses. So, while they are stronger, this is counter balanced by their disturbing sexiness.Disturbing, because they are admired and emulated by our children, who innocently watch the films, wear the merchandise and read the books while the message is slowly but surely reinforced: Yes you can be strong, just make sure you look sexy at the same time!
The recent media storm surrounding Disney's less than subtle re-branding of Merida really emphasises this idea: As the strong-willed heroine of their successful film "Brave", Merida is a wild, curly-haired princess who is an amazing archer, an accomplished sword-fighter and she can even sew while riding a horse (yes, really!). In terms of a female role model, then, Merida seemed to have it all (except why she needed to sew is beyond me). Disney, however, clearly thought she could do with some work: The new Merida, now their newest official princess, features bigger, sultrier eyes, a lower-cut dress with exposed shoulders and the obligatory glittery fabric. Though Disney claim that this re-imagined Merida was never intended to replace the original, it is unclear why she needed to change for her coronation invitation. The message is loud and clear: If you want to be in our gang, you need to sex it up!
A friend of mine teaches in a primary school in London. A few years ago, he politely had to ask whether one of the Nativity angels (an 8-10 year old girl in his class) could please refrain from wearing a black thong, as it showed through her white costume. Shocking, I know, but this is merely the sadly logical conclusion that children will draw - looking slim and sexy is important, so they think. They will not yet be aware of what sexy really means, but they know what it looks like.
Not just from films and books, but through their toys too. Lots of brands have now been updated to look more boyish and/or girly. LEGO now sells Princess editions (I know because I must confess we have one), as well as more gender neutral toys like a zoo (again, we have one). My Little Pony used to feature chubby ponies in the 1980s, which were then severely slimmed down in the 1990s. Curiously though, I have noticed that Barbie appears to have gained a tiny amount of weight since her 1980s heyday - I would now merely book her into an anorexia clinic as opposed to a hospital emergency resuscitation station. So that is a small improvement at least.
Still, Emma already has very definite ideas about which presents are appropriate for boys and which for girls. I am not sure why, as we have given them the best of both. While boys may indeed often prefer different toys from girls, we are clearly making the difference more pronounced by sticking to the options suggested to us by the shops and the manufacturers. Certain retailers would have us believe that science toys are just for boys, for example. I hope Emma never sees that!
Boys too are pressed into a narrow range of roles. A friend of mine has a young son, who loves nothing more than dressing up as fairies or princesses. When he was 2 1/2, he proudly waddled up to his maternal grandparents, complete with dress and high heels, whereupon the grandfather shook his head in shock, then grunted and exclaimed "He's a boy!", while the grandmother agreed and said "No, no, he can't go out like that". My friend, obviously upset by the episode, then discussed it with her brother, who said that "It's not right if you allow them to make themselves look stupid though".
As boys grow into men, people are pleasantly surprised when they don't conform to fatherhood's expectations. My husband works from 9 - 5, approximately, 5 days a week. He is therefore around a great deal and spends lots of time with our daughters, both playing with them and looking after them generally. We also take it in turns to cook. I have lost count of the amount of times my peers and older people have commented on how "good" he is, how lucky I am and how great it is that he takes part in playing with them. As if his role is not intrinsically equal to mine. Certainly, nobody has ever told me that they think I am good, that he is lucky or how wonderful it is that I spend so much time with them. Because that, apparently, is obviously my role anyway.
As children are picking up this restrictive view of their respective options from the media and adults' throwaway comments, they pass it on to each other, and to us. When our eldest daughter started school last autumn, a child in the playground called her a boy, because she dared to wear trousers.
I still remember the conversation I had with her a few years prior to this. She was only about 2 1/2 and yet I realised, that she had already started forming the gender expectations in her mind: I was trying to explain how the moon seemingly changes its shape. However, astronomy is not my strong point, so I said that we would have to ask daddy (who is an space scientist). Emma replied "Yes, because men know about these things". To which I hastily explained that actually, it was just that this happens to be daddy's job. When she was about 3 1/2, she and I were struggling to put a big drawing up, to which she remarked that we "need a big strong man, like daddy". Now, as I said earlier, I am not denying that men are indeed, usually, stronger, but I worry about the idea that men are somehow superior.
The truth is, we are not equal - there are differences in the way we act and think, but also obviously within each gender, from man to man and woman to woman. But though there are differences, that does not mean that we have the right to press everybody into the same few, comfortable moulds, just to make our lives easier.
In the West, we may like to think that our women are more liberated than those in other countries, but ours is a psychological prison of restrictive conventions and expectations. And while I was appalled that so many Asian women feel the need to lighten their skin, a Pakistani male friend of mine wisely remarked, that throughout the world, people feel the need to change their skin colour. Though I still think getting a tan doesn't feel as compelling to Westerners as lightening your skin does to Asian women, I can see his point. I spent several hot afternoons in my teens, desperately trying to tan, only to emerge looking pink, sweaty and bored. The boys never did this of course - they were busy playing. A huge number of people throughout the world are consumed by this culture of inadequacy, thinking they should look and behave in certain ways in order to be accepted. Worryingly, The British Crime Survey recently discovered that young people are more likely to suffer from domestic violence than any other group. Worse still, a different survey found that a high number of girls believe that it is acceptable for their boyfriend to hit them, if they had cheated on him (though this has not necessarily happened to them). This is part of the oppressive attitude to women, that somehow means comedians still make light-hearted domestic violence jokes and t-shirts are made that suggest hitting is acceptable. In this toxic mix, no wonder we are confused. Our children deserve better than this, from us and the media.
When I grew up, I encountered sexism amongst my relatives, which shaped the way I saw my role in the world - like the time my aunt laughingly called me a feminist, because I was complaining that none of the men were helping us clear the table. However, while we may think that we have moved on from this oppressive culture, that our girls and boys will grow up with a sense of entitlement and equality, thinking that the world is their oyster, Emma and her peers believe in fairies, not equality. And whose fault is that?
