How come I do this to myself?

I have been on very few proper diets in my life. Mainly because I have managed just fine without them, but also because I have sometimes made some simple changes, such as cutting carbs without following specific recipes. For the past 18 months, however, I have not been exercising much, and as I have also been unable to gather up enough willpower to merely skip the carb part of normal meals, I really wanted to start shaping up a bit more again. So, when I spotted a simple-looking 4-week eating plan in a magazine, I went for it. Which is possibly why, one morning, I find myself walking slowly down the stairs, feeling rather pathetic. I need to eat breakfast because I feel ridiculously faint (and, truth be told, faintly ridiculous). Weakly, I manage to make my (admittedly delicious) breakfast smoothie. I am convinced that I have just not eaten enough the day before, as we were possibly not meant to eat our raw courgette with raw garlic pesto on its own, but rather with a side dish. A few hours later that morning, the raw garlic dinner makes a swift, unannounced exit. Suffice it to say I am grateful to be at home when it happens. Is this the reason I felt so weak? Possibly, since I have been okay since.

The next day, I am eating an unauthorised breakfast in a cafe with our youngest daughter. Feeling rebellious, I pour some skimmed milk into my tea. As I tuck into the familiar berry Bircher muesli/yoghurt, it suddenly tastes overly sweet and I feel even more guilty eating that, than I do about the milk in my tea. Clearly, I should have gone for the boring-looking fruit pot instead, but I thought this was vaguely okay, and more filling. The Bircher muesli really does taste far too sweet - have I become sensitised? Surely I don't eat that much sugar normally. Perhaps I am more unhealthy than I realised? Damn you eating plan woman - for hating sugar and making me fear it too. 

Imagine how guilty I feel later that day when I sneak a few licks of coffee cupcake dough. Oh, so evil but oh so good.....

I do love the immediate changes in my body as I seem to miraculously de-bloat after a day but also feel un -realistically slimmer than I can be at this stage. Surely that is psychological? The reason I feel ridiculous, is because this eating plan has managed to make me feel even more paranoid and guilty about what I am eating, than I usually do. And that is saying something. I mean really, why do I feel like a random eating plan, made up by a woman I have never met, should rule my life? I suppose because I can be very determined when I aim for something - in this case, a slimmer version of my current self. The fact that I feel happier in myself when I am slimmer and more toned is rather depressing. Honestly, I would have thought that I would have managed to shake my body shape obsession by now, aged 37. That I could find enough redeeming qualities in myself to enable me to feel happy with who I am - whatever size I may be. I don't think I am alone in feeling like my body is all-important though. The headline introducing the 4 week plan says it all really: "Get back to your fighting weight" - who are we fighting? Ourselves, surely.